


Until the Very End

by MagicGirlinAMuggleWorld



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Canon Universe, Depression, I will never write them dying, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jilytober 2019, Light Angst, Not Jily, but this is just before that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 11:38:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21243479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicGirlinAMuggleWorld/pseuds/MagicGirlinAMuggleWorld
Summary: Angsty little Jily ficlet from Summer 1981. The names for the McKinnon family come from the story 'Marlene McKinnon is Not a Coward' by AllThisAndLoveTooWillRuinUs, found here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20095444





	Until the Very End

Sometimes, when it was dark, Lily wished she could just…disappear. Not from the Earth, usually – just from her current, warped existence. Abandon this little house in this boring village, leave England entirely, pretend there was no war at all. Take a new name and start a new life with her adoring husband and her precious baby in Mexico, or Russia, or anywhere else. Maybe even forget she’d ever learned that magic was real.

She couldn’t do any of that, of course. Instead, today, she pulled her feet up on the sofa, hugged her knees to her chest, and cried.

Most nights, no matter how dark, she had to be strong for Harry. But James was with him now. She was alone for the moment. So she let tears fall, rubbed her eyes ‘til they burned, and bit her lip ‘til it bled. Anything to keep from screaming her rage at the universe.

That’s what she was doing, curled in a ball, when James re-entered the living room.

“Harry’s down!” he said, cheerful despite his exhaustion. His face fell as he looked at his wife. “Oh, no love,” he murmured, sitting down and wrapping her in his arms. “What’s the matter?”

“Everything.” Lily’s voice cracked. “This war, and we’re trapped here, and people are—Marlene’s gone. She’s gone, James. And Daniel, the triplets…even Granny Liza. Everyone. Her whole family’s just...gone.”

He was holding her so close that Lily felt James’ whole body heave with his sigh. “I know,” he whispered, squeezing her tighter still. “It’s awful, I know.”

She pressed her face against his shoulder and sobbed, her tears soaking his jumper. She could feel pressure building in her chest, her heart beating too fast, her lungs aching to do their job – but there was no air. She was being pulled under, and soon she’d be gone, just like Marlene, and—

The sudden need to breathe, the guttural instinct to _live_, forced her upright with a gasp.

James cradled her head and whispered soothing words as she sucked in large gulps of air. He combed his fingers through her thick hair, ran calming hands over her neck and shoulders, reassuring her – reassuring them both, really – that she was here. Still breathing. With him.

Lily’s heaving sobs subsided. Her racing heart slowed. Finally, she spoke, her voice scratchy and thin.

“I know it’s not about me,” she whispered. “Their deaths. But I can’t get rid of my darkest feelings, you know?” She met James’ eyes cautiously, dreading that his face might reflect her own fear. “_Everyone_ goes, eventually. Families, friends, parents…sisters. People you care about? They die, or they leave.”

“Not me, Evans.” James’ voice was hoarse, too, but his eyes held fire – not fear – as he framed her face in his hands. “I’m not going anywhere. Harry, either. We’re safe here.”

Lily blinked, and fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. “The McKinnons should have been safe, too.”

“It’s different.” James’ voice was quiet, but stronger now. “We _are_ safe. And even once the war’s over and we can leave this bloody house, I’ll never leave you. You’re stuck with me.” He murmured the words against her forehead, his lips branding them into her skin.

“Until the very end.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually do angst, but it's Jilytober! Now excuse me, I'll be in a corner crying about these two for a while xo


End file.
